


The Adventures of Super Craig

by Temporarily



Series: Temporarily's South Park Ship Dump [7]
Category: South Park
Genre: Ace/Questioning Tweek, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Attempt at Humor, Badass Tweek Tweak, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Craig is extremely done, Craig's Gang (South Park), Creek and Crack, Disturbing Themes, Drama, Fluff, Lets talk about the yaoi fanart, M/M, Mephesto is Craig's arch-nemesis, Poor Stripe, SO, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, South-Park Typical Homophobia and Violence, These bois are cute but they're terrible parents and should not own a guinea pig, an attempt was made to erase this creepiness with the power of friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Temporarily/pseuds/Temporarily
Summary: HE’S FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET! HIS FISTS HAVE MORE POWER THAN A LOCOMOTIVE! HE CAN LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND! YES, IT’S SUPER CRAIG! SEE HIM NOW IN A BATTLE OF DARK SCIENCE IN THIS LATEST ISSUE: #24. Super Craig VS Dr. Mephesto!!!
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Series: Temporarily's South Park Ship Dump [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083716
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	The Adventures of Super Craig

**Author's Note:**

> Well. I played the game. And then I NEEDED more of Dr. Mephesto's bogus science managing to piss off Craig in ways nothing else can. So I wrote this. Enjoy. <3

Craig Tucker storms onto the playground in the little town of South Park Colorado in a rancorous mood. He has a bone to pick with the sixth graders lurking outside the public bathrooms, competing over who can shoot the furthest spit wad. They leer as he marches up to them but even though they’re twice as tall, twice as heavy, and twice as ugly Craig feels no fear. Because he has a secret these bullies can’t know, a secret that will protect him. For although Craig Tucker is a mere apathetic fourth grader at South Park Elementary by day, by night, he is Super Craig!

But that is night, and this is day. In the guise of a civilian Craig knows he must summon all the courage of his heroic alter-ego for this confrontation.

“Hey there little fourthy!” the sixth graders taunt as he approaches. “Your dad kick you out for being a flaming homo again?” Craig pauses, momentarily stunned by the sheer mediocrity of their insults. Like, what the hell? His dad would be more likely to kick him out if he turned straight.

He shakes his head, scowls, stands his ground and says, “Where is Stripe?” The sixth graders share a look of confusion, a look similar to the ones they have in math class during a sudden moment of lucidity from their daydreaming about boobs.

“What?” a boy with an especially pointy nose asks.

“Who?” another in a red SUPREME hoodie says.

“I prefer polka-dots,” one wearing a bucket hat remarks. The others stare at him. “…What? Stripes are gay,” he said defensively.

“Where is my god damn guinea pig?!” The one with the hoodie opens and shuts his mouth dumbly a few times before he says,

“We only go after pussy, gaywad. None of us touched your guinea pig.”

“I know you broke into my house last night. After my dad installed that anti-drone security system you snuck in to put up secret cameras so you could take pictures of my Mom’s boobs. Fucking creeps.”  *See Super Craig #23: Attack of the Boobie Burglars.

“What the hell are you talking about—”

“Don’t try to deny it, I know because I was the one who removed those cameras. You must have guinea-napped Stripe while you were there.”

“Oh so YOU’RE the little twerp who took down those cameras before we could see anything better than your dad’s hairy dick—” The boy with the hoodie slaps his bucket-headed compatriot upside the head.

“Don’t confess to anything, dumbass! We could go to juvie for that shit!”

“Oh right, my bad.”

“We didn’t take your stupid guinea pig.”

“Yeah, guinea pigs are gay,” bucket-hat says.

“I don’t believe you,” Craig says flatly.

“Well you know what will convince you we’re telling the truth?” Pointy Nose asks. “If we ram it into that stupid little fourthy head of yours.”

“Sure,” Craig says as he calmly pulls out his phone. “Your crew versus mine, let’s fucking go. Let me just call them up.”

“Oh who said anything about crew versus crew?”

“Did you expect us to play fair?”

“Heheheh, playing fair is gay.” Craig stands there for a moment. He looks at the sixth graders, twice as tall, twice as heavy, twice as ugly, and tells himself that he feels no fear.

“Fuck.” He dashes across the street towards Tweek Bro’s Coffee in an act of self-preservation. He runs around the counter without saying hi to Mr. Tweak, dashes into the back room and locks it behind him. He breathes a sigh of relief as he hears the sixth graders getting caught up in Mr. Tweak’s spiel about the benefits of a perfect sunset blend.

“Dude.” Poking out from behind a stack of coffee beans, Craig can spot what looks like a miniature haystack. The haystack climbs over the bag, revealing itself to be attached to a person. “What the fuck Craig?!”

“Hi honey.” Introducing—Tweek Tweak, aka Wonder Tweek! A powerful stormborn who can harness the power of lightning, Wonder Tweek is Super-Craig’s unflappable partner both in and out of uniform! The duo fight side by side without fail, whether it be against the forces of evil or against their friends during game night. Tweek Tweak is described by some as a god damn mess with a voice like a mouse on a cheese grater, but he packs a mean right hook. What more could an emotionally dead nerd with a voice like a flatlining heartbeat ask for?

“Craig you—nnngh! You’ve kind of been standing there dead-eyed for a whole minute now are you okay?!”

“Yeah sorry just waiting for the narrator to shut up.”

“Gah—What?!” ONE COULD GO ON TO EMPHASIZE HOW ALL OF THE TRIALS THIS SUPER-DUO HAS FACED HAVE SHAPED THEIR UNBREAKABLE FRIENDSHIP—

“Stop.” HOW THEIR HEARTS HAVE BEEN FORGED BY FIRE— “Oh fuck it I’ll just ignore it. So, uh, I might have picked a fight with some sixth graders on the playground and now they’re in the shop.”

_ “Oh Jesus Craig!” _

“I’m like ninety-percent sure they stole Stripe though.”

“Shit! Stripe got kidnapped again?”

“Yeah, just like he did in issues three, eleven and seventeen through twenty.” Tweek unties his apron. He drapes it over a stack of bags and begins to roll up his sleeves.

“Well, if they kidnapped our son we’ve gotta fuck ‘em up!” Craig grins, a rare break in his monotonous sequence of expressions.

“Want me to call Token Clyde and Jimmy?” Tweek shakes his head.

“Nnngh—No I’ve got this.” With that he unlocks the door, throws it open, and proceeds to clear out all the sixth graders with a combination of recklessly caffeinated boxing and sheer crackhead energy. Craig leans against the doorframe to watch it all go down. He sighs in appreciation. It’s pretty gay.

“Thanks, I am,” the young hero replies. Because owning how gay you are is gay culture. Nice job kid.

Craig Tucker looks to the sky and flips the middle-finger equivalent of a thumbs up.

“No this is just me flipping you off.” It’s the best damn middle-finger thumbs-up to ever flip.

“Fuck off.”

FIVE MINUITES LATER:

Tweek drags the last of the sixth graders, bucket-hat, to the back room for interrogation.

“Screw that, he’s too annoying, can we get a different one?” Fine. Tweek drags the last of the sixth graders, red supreme hoodie, to the back room for interrogation. Craig stops him in the doorway.

“Token Clyde and Jimmy are on their way.”

“You called them?”

“No, they saw my appreciation post.” Tweek leans over to read Craig’s phone over his shoulder. A picture of him kicking pointy nose’s ass is captioned: Get yourself a man who can toss all your enemies to the curb without breaking a sweat to avenge your joint-custody fur-baby.

“FACTS!” the random lady with a large pumpkin-spice blend at table four yells. Craig goes over to give her a high five. Tweek makes a noise that’s either annoyance or embarrassment, it’s difficult to say.

He drags the sixth grader into the corner and ties him to the post of the coffee grinder with his apron. Then he waves some of the freshest beans they have under his nose, hoping to wake him up. He remains unconscious. His nose starts to bleed a little.

“Craig it’s nnngh—it’s not working!”

“Hang on, I have an idea.” Craig crouches in front of the sixth grader and says,

“Boobies.” The sixth grader’s eyes open. He slurs,

“Boobies?”

“I love how predictable these guys are.” Tweek turns the coffee grinder on. Red hoodie starts to look nervous.

“Nnnn-now talk jackass! What did you do with Stripe!?”

“Jesus donkey-dicking Christ get me out of your barista Saw dungeon right the fuck now!”

“Is Jesus back yet?” Craig asks.

“Yeah I think he resurrected like a week ago.”

“Well sorry, but Jesus can’t take your call right now. Better tell us where Stripe is.” Tweek stands on the stepstool behind the grinder and starts pouring beans in, just to change the pitch. Red hoodie, who’s already freaked out and has only a rudimentary idea of what the machine he’s tied to does, is suitably intimidated.

“We didn’t touch your stupid guinea pig I swear!”

“His name is Stripe!”

“Y-you—nnngh—you know, my dad is always going on about how it’s important to get the perfect blend. Halloween is coming up, right Craig? I wonder if we could make a special blend out of this guy's fingers.”

“Not gonna lie considering some of the shit I already know is in this coffee there wouldn’t be much of a difference.”

“Subtlety Craig, it’s all about the subtle difference in flavor.”

“…Tweek, you can be truly terrifying sometimes, you know that?”

“OH MY GOD NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE STRIPE IS PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”

“See he totally agrees with me.”

“I PROMISE YOU WE WEREN'T THE ONES WHO TOOK HIM!!!”

“GAH! So you know who did!” Red Hoodie squirms in his bindings.

“Okay look, here’s what I know. The night we went to put those cameras in the milf’s house—”

“Ew.”

“You must really hate having fingers man!” Tweek says brightly.

“NOT MILF, IN MRS, UM—”

“Tucker.”

“IN MRS. TUCKER’S HOUSE, WE SAW SOMEONE ELSE THERE ALRIGHT!”

“Who. Who did you see?”

“There was this weird old man with a stupid Hawaiian shirt and a butt stick coming out of this kid’s room. We figured he was just a pervert getting up to the same kind of thing we were, you know?”

“ _ So you left without telling anyone!? _ ”

“Easy boo,” Craig says. They share a silent determined glance. There’s only one person they know with a butt stick.

“Please don’t hurt me!” the sixth grader blubbers. Tweek looks like he’s seriously considering whether hurting this moron is on his agenda when someone knocks on the back-room door. Craig opens it to find his friends Token, Clyde, and Jimmy gasping for breath like they ran the whole way.

“Wow that was fast.” Introducing—Tupperware, Mosquito and Fast Pass! “Aw god damn it we are so not doing this.” Once these loyal friends were divided by the rivalry between Coon and Friends and Freedom Pals, but ever since all the heroes of South Park were brought together by Dr. Timothy’s extraordinary franchise plan— “No stop the backstory right now.” AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT IN A FREAK PANTRY ACCIDENT TOKEN BLACK BECAME A CYBORG WHO USES HIS NIFTY GAGETS TO FIGHT CRIME AND KEEP FOOD FRESH— “Wait are you guys okay?”

“ _ Craig _ ,” Clyde wheezes, “Please tell me that isn’t your guinea pig tearing up Main Street!”

“The fuck are you talking about Clyde?”

“Look at this,” Token says, handing Craig his phone. It’s playing someone’s snapchat video of a vicious mutated guineapirate larger than a truck shredding someone’s torso outside Unplanned Parenthood. Because nothing good ever seems to happen at the Unplanned Parenthood.

“Oh my god!” Tweek shrieks. “What did they do to Stripe!?” The guineapirate turns around to chase a new victim and from this vantage point they can all see that it has been altered not just in size and aggression and toothy-ness. It now has no less than eleven asses.

“ _ Dr. Mephesto _ ,” Craig growls.

“I think we should su—s—s—sui—suit up guys.”

Five heroes valiantly charge down Main Street, dodging swerving cars and screaming pedestrians as they approach their mutant foe. Super Craig leads them with his fists at the ready, eager to avenge his pet. Fast Pass isn’t far behind, curbing his speed so his compatriots can keep pace. Behind them fly Wonder Tweek and Mosquito on a gale of wind and buzzing wings. Tupperware brings up the rear, dodging debris on his three-cup Tupperskates.

“Hey Token, I’m not sure if you should be roller-skating right now, bzzz,” Mosquito calls.

“Y-yeah, what if you trip and crack your head open!?” Wonder Tweek wonders.

_ “Oh my god this is painful to listen to _ ,” Super Craig mumbles under his breath. Tupperware pointedly taps his translucent helmet.

“My dad just bought me these skates and they’re sweet, I’m using them. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine guys.”

“T-t-telling Tweek not to worry is like telling Clyde not to be a cry—a cry—cr—crybaby.”

“ _ Jimmyyyyyy!”  _

“We are so dysfunctional. We’re doomed,” Super Craig observes.

The troop of superheroes find themselves standing before the guinea abomination. Stripe froths bloody at the mouth and his eyes roll back in his mutant head.

“Stripe number fifty-one…” Craig says mournfully. “Look what he’s done to you. I’m so sorry.” Tweek lands on the cracked pavement and takes his hand.

“We have to put him out of his misery Craig.” Craig nods and raises his fists in preparation for battle. The other heroes follow suit. But before anyone can engage a bloated figure appears on the roof of the neighboring building. “Isn’t it beautiful?” the figure proclaims. “Behold, my greatest creation yet! The eleven-assed guineapirate!!!”

_ “Mephesto!” _ Super Craig snarls. The villainous doctor waves his butt-stick with abandon.

“Even cynics like you Super Craig will not be able to deny the extraordinary benefits to science my new creation has provided!”

“HOW THE FUCK DOES AN ELEVEN-ASSED GUINEAPIRATE BENEFIT SCIENCE?!” The hero is quickly descending into the kind of rage that only his arch-nemesis can bring out in him. His middle fingers twitch. The rest of the team looks to Wonder Tweek, waiting for him to intervene and bring Craig back to his senses.

“NOBODY MESSES WITH OUR FUR-BABY!!!” the stormborn shrieks. “YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS MEPHESTO! AAGGGGGHHH!!!” The rest of the team realize that half of Main Street is about to be destroyed in about half a minute and resign themselves to this fact.

“This guineapirate is enhanced with extraordinarily tough fur! It is nigh impossible to penetrate. Even if you destroy the asses it gets its impervious powers from, you won’t be able to defeat it!”

“WHY WOULD YOU TELL US THAT!?!” Craig screams. “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL THE PEOPLE TRYING TO DEFEAT YOUR MUTANT CREATION ITS ONE WEAKNESS YOU FUCKING MORON!!!”

“Um Craig,” Tupperware says. “Maybe you should cool it—”

“YOU’RE THE ONLY MONSTER HERE, NOT STRIPE!”

“Okay then never mind.”

“BZZZ, fuck him up Craig!” Mosquito cheers.

“R-ri-r-rip him a new one!” Fast Past enthuses.

“YOU, DR. MEPHESTO, ARE A GOD DAMN DISGRACE TO SCIENCE!!!”

“Y-y-yeah, what he said,” Wonder Tweek echoes with a smug smile. Mephesto brandishes his butt stick and says, “We’ll see who’s a disgrace to science once my eleven-assed guineapirate is through with you!”

“His name is STRIPE!”

“You’ve been a pain in my ass ever since you took that fateful tour of my lab Super Craig. This is where you meet your end, at the paws of your beloved pet! No critic shall defy me! I will show the whole world the benefits of asses! All of the asses! Asses shall reign! Everyone shall have asses upon asses upon asses! Muahahahah!” Super Craig realizes that now would be the opportune time for a super gay quip.

“No.” Super Craig thinks that he should say something about how the only ass he cares for is his boyfriend’s and all the others can fuck right off. “I’m not saying that!!!” Damn it.

“And don’t think that this eleven-assed guinea pig, as majestic and powerful as it is, was the only weapon I brought to best you. With this, your destruction is assured!” Dr. Mephesto hauls a sack over the roof and starts shaking out… pieces of paper.

But they’re not just any pieces of paper. As they flutter to the ground Craig sees glimpses of green and blue and he realizes exactly what horror has been visited upon them: A flurry of yaoi fanart.

“NO!”

“GAH—KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!” Wonder Tweek leaps into action! He unleashes a flurry of lightning bolts that fries most of the pictures into ashes. As they flutter down Craig breaths a sigh of relief.

“Thanks, Tweek.”

“No problem man, that shit is gross!”

“It’s too straight for me.” Mosquito picks up a stray piece of paper and asks,

“ _ How is this straight?” _ Wonder Tweek grabs the fanart and recognizes it as one of the more popular ones in town. It’s called Reverse Lotus, he thinks, and the fact that he knows this is horrifying and repulsive. He flings it into the air and fries it.

“It’s straight because it’s made by straight people objectifying a couple of gay kids and when they frame it and put it up on their wall they get to feel all fluffy and PC and supportive, it’s complete bullshit!” he explains, grabbing another piece of art from off the ground. “AAAGH, look at this! My shirt has fucked off into non-existence and I look like a starving naked mole rat wearing a pufferfish hat! Also WE’RE FUCKING CHILDREN, THIS SHIT IS GROSS! GYAAAGH!” With that he uses his power over the wind to sweep the rest of the art into a cyclone and fry every piece to cinders.

Clyde, taken aback by this outburst, absentmindedly wondered if PC Principle would agree or if he would somehow condemn Tweek as being against gay rights or free expression in his crusade against the yaoi. It could be either, who knew? Grown-ups were confusing.

“Screw this town,” Craig says.

“I don’t even wanna think about how much therapy I’m going to need to unpack how seeing this every single day fucks me up! NNNAAAGH!”

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Stripe screams right back, finally having finished off the body of his latest victim.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just going to take notes on this fascinating experiment,” Mephesto calls from the top of the roof.

“Sheesh, can’t he stop being annoying for like, two seconds?” Tupperware asks as he powers up his tuppergear.

“No he can’t, that’s why he’s my arch-enemy,” Super Craig explains.

“Aim for the asses!” Tweek says, and he flies to the other side of Stripe along with Mosquito. Jimmy zips over and Token teleports which leaves Craig blocked by a truck-sized guinea pig, staring at the strings of drool between its fangs.

“Fuck,” he says, and then Stripe attacks. Craig counters by trying to punch out his teeth but all this does is send the guineapirate skidding a few feet before it lunges again. “How’s it going back there?!” Craig asks as he wrestles with the rodent’s steely whiskers.

MEANWHILE, BEHIND STRIPE:

“I am not popping that ass with my proboscis!!!” Mosquito squeaks in protest.

“Just do it man!” Wonder Tweek urges.

“No way dude, ass-blood tastes disgusting!”

“And how would you kn-k-know that?” Fast Pass asks.

“I don’t have to know from experience, I just know!!!”

“Hold on guys, I’ve got this,” Tupperware says, whipping out his most effective long-ranged gadget.

AND NOW BACK TO SUPERCRAIG, IN FRONT OF STRIPE:

Craig hears rapid machine gun fire, a sickening pop, and a moment of cheering quickly followed by cursing.

“OH SH—SH—S— OH SHIT!”

“Gross!”

“Fuck, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“AHHHHH, WHY IS IT GROWING BACK!?!” Up on the roof, Mephesto cackles.

“Now you see the true genius of my creation: For every ass you destroy, two more grow back! And as its asses increase, so will its power!” Faster than Craig can react, Stripe snaps the hero up in his jaws.

“CRAIG!” Tweek shrieks. He flies overhead to see Super Craig barely holding the mutant’s jaws open with his super strength. “Get it together man!”

“What does it look like I’m doing, going for a pleasant walk in the woods?”

“Just try not to die okay, we’ll get you out of there! GAH!” Tweek swoops back down to his bickering companions and asks, “Does anyone know how to extract someone from the jaws of death!?”

“I think I’m the guy you need,” a deep voice says, and Mysterion materializes out of thin air.

“AAAAAAGHHHH!” Tweek shrieks.

“BZZZZZZZZZZZ!” Clyde screams.

“What the hell?” Token says.

“S-s-seconded,” Jimmy agrees.

“Dr. Timonthy and I have been monitoring what’s happening,” Mysterion explains. “Things are starting to get out of hand, so he used his psychic powers to temporarily grant me Tupperware’s teleporting abilities in exchange for my ability to punch shit really hard.”

“Damn, Timmy’s way OP’d, is that even allowed?” Token asks. Mysterion shrugs.

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“So what are you going to do?” Tweek asks. Mysterion glowers with determination and says,

“Extract someone from the jaws of death. Bastard prefers me anyways.”

“Um, what?” Clyde buzzes, but Mysterion has already disappeared in a flash of blue light. In an instant, SuperCraig stands where he was. He looks around in confusion.

“What just happened?” Then they hear a horrible crunching noise and an ear-splitting scream.

“OH MY GOD, STRIPE KILLED KENNY!” Tweek says.

“You g-g-guinea bastard!” Jimmy finishes, always eager to deliver a punchline.

“Alright listen, Mysterion bought us some time so let’s figure this shit out,” Super Craig says as Stripe gorges himself on their fallen ally’s remains. “Mephesto said if we destroy one ass two more will grow back, right? That’s an obvious reference to the Hydra—”

“The what now?” Clyde asks.

“I think he’s talking about a band of super villains; Captain America fights them a lot.”

“Not that hydra, I’m talking about the hydra in Greek mythology!” Token stares at him.

“…Since when do you know about Greek mythology dude?”

“I’m allowed to know about more nerd stuff than astronomy.”

“I thought Tweek was the nerd?”

“No Tweek’s just a theatre kid.”

“It’s true! The only Greek stuff I know about are plays. Oedipus was f-ff-f-fucked.” Stripe belches out the question mark that adorns the top of Mysterion’s hood and starts shuffling around to face them.

“Watch out guys, Guinea-pirate about-face! Bzzz!”

“W-w-wow, thanks for the update B-b-bu—thanks for the update, Bug Obvious.

“Alright everyone shut up and listen!” Craig says. “The hydra is the largest constellation, so I know what I’m talking about!”

“Oh thank god I was wondering if you were a clone that cares about stuff other than Red Racer and space for a minute there.”

“Shut up Token! Does anyone  _ else  _ know how to kill a hydra?” Tweek shuffles his feet and hesitantly proposes,

“…Kill it with fire?”

“…Wow good job Tweek that’s exactly right.”

“Really?”

“Really babe I’m impressed.”

“Oh. Wow. OH! Okay then.” Tweek fires up a lightning bolt with a shit-eating grin and says. “I can do that.”

FIFTEEN MINUITES AND A WHOLE LOT OF LIGHTNING BOLTS LATER:

The charred, blistering remains of a guineapirate bigger than a truck lie in the middle of Main Street. The majority of the team appreciate the fact that the majority of the street is still here, which is pretty good considering their track record. Craig steps forward to rest a hand just above Stripe’s nose—careful not to make contact since it’s still twitching from the buttload of electricity coursing through it—and bows his head.

“Rest in peace Stripe number fifty-one,” he intones.

“F,” Jimmy deadpans.

“F,” Clyde seconds.

“F,” Token thirds.

“F,” Tweek fourths. Craig buries his face in his gloves.

“I hate you all.” Something brushes against the back of his head. Craig looks up to see more yaoi fanart falling from the rooftop. “Can you STOP!?” he yells at Dr. Mephesto, who is frantically upending two more bags.

“You may have defeated my eleven-assed guineapirate Super Craig, but I am the true victor! The data I’ve received from this experiment has been most enlightening. I will be back with more many assed-creatures, and next time, they will defeat you!”

“You’re forgetting one thing Dr. Mephesto.” Crag says.

“What’s that?” the villain asks.

“I can leap buildings in a single bound.” And then he does exactly that, clocking Mephesto’s jaw so hard on the landing that he falls over and drops his butt-stick.

“Dude, why didn’t you do that to escape the guinea pig?!” Token calls from the ground.

“I can only leap  _ buildings _ in a single bound!”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Yeah well I’m not a cyborg made out of  _ tupperware  _ so don’t talk to me about making sense!” Wonder Tweek floats up to the roof and sits on the edge, hair wild with static.

“Want some help?” he asks. Super Craig glowers down at the man that abducted his pet, subjected it to torturous genetic experiments, and set it loose to wreak havoc and destruction and murder the citizens of South Park including one of his teammates. A nonsensical, cruel, deranged man who makes a mockery of science and logic and many other things Craig holds dear. A man who fundamentally irritates the hell out of him.

Craig cracks his knuckles and flexes his middle fingers. “Nah,” he says, “I’ve got this.” Tweek nods and steps aside to watch him get to work. He sighs in appreciation as Craig snaps Mephesto's butt-stick in half and starts beating him into submission. It's pretty gay.

“WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!” Super Craig yells.

“Gyuuuuuuugh,” Mephesto groans.

ACROSS TOWN…

It’s around this time that Richard Tweak finds the hysterical sixth grader tied up in his back room.

“Please don’t make a special blend out of my fingers!” red supreme hoodie sobs. Mr. Tweak shakes his head, unties him and tells him to run along back to his little friends with a stack of Tweek Bro.s stamp cards. Buy twelve coffees get the thirteenth free.

The sixth grader vows to never go back to that coffee shop again.

THAT EVENING…

Tweek and Craig are cuddled up on Craig's bed, taking turns playing Red Dead Redemption and trying to break the game with as many mods as possible. Craig summons a UFO and starts flying around while picking up random items and NPCs that create a swirling tornado.

“I should probably talk to Timmy about getting some science-based superpowers if Mephesto is going to keep being a problem,” he says. “I like classing as a Brutalizer but punching him really hard will only work so many times. I need some intelligence-based moves.”

“Mmhmm,” Tweek hums, nodding his cheek against Craig’s shoulder. The dark-haired boy glances at him and asks,

“Are you okay bean? You seem pretty tense.” Tweek’s whole body flinches.

“GYAH! I’m sorry! I’m thinking too much!” Craig lets all the random junk and NPCs fall to their destruction and pauses the game.

“What’s up?”

“…I,” Tweek hesitates. He curls his knees up and wraps his arms around them. “I just. I fucking  _ hate  _ that sometimes I feel gross just doing this!”

“Oh.” Craig sets the laptop aside and puts a little bit of space between him and his boyfriend. “Is this because internalized homophobia’s a bitch that won’t leave even though the whole town’s uninvited it? Or because of the stupid creek fanart.”

“Both, probably! Man, I told you that shit is fucking me up! Like, we can be doing nothing,  _ literally nothing _ , just sitting on opposite sides of the couch and then all of a sudden some sexual art with creepy proportions I saw on a random wall will pop into my head and I feel like I wanna puke!”

“Valid. I guess some of the art is cute but most of it’s super creepy. I kind of don’t care about it enough to be disgusted but it’s not weird if you are. Shit’s kind of fucked up.” Tweek nods, still curled in a little ball and looking queasy and Craig glowers at his computer screen with such malice it ought to implode. True, he doesn’t care about the stupid fanart. But he does care that it’s upsetting Tweek, and he cares that it’s affecting their friendship, never mind this boyfriends thing they’re trying out. He’s borderline mad. Not quite there yet, definitely not enough to show it, but getting close. Craig already makes it a point to tear down any of the mass-produced art he sees around if he can get away with it without being sued for property damage. Now he wants to go out and burn every piece he can find.

“…We can skip cuddling and just chill, if it’s bothering you,” he suggests. Tweek looks up and immediately says,

“Nnng—No!” He scoots closer and attaches himself to Craig’s side again. “That’s not what I want! I want to get over this! I want to be able to ignore these stupid thoughts and have something as simple as a hug without being weird or overthinking it!” Craig wraps an arm around his shoulders and smiles. Just barely.

“Okay,” he says, and he passes the laptop to Tweek, who starts messing around with a new mod combo. “…Was it easier when we broke up?” he asks, and immediately mentally calls himself a dumbass.

“Gyah! W-was what?”

“Seeing the fanart.” Tweek snickers a little bit helplessly and shakes his head.

“Nnng—No! No it wasn’t! All it did was remind me how everyone wanted us to be together, and then it reminded me that a part of  _ me  _ still wished we were together, and then I got mad at myself for thinking that because I was trying to be tough and independent!”

“But you already are tough and independent boo.”

“Gnnn—Y-you know what I mean. Shit, I look at that stuff and I’m so freaked out I wonder if I might be ace. AGH! It’s like, am I supposed to want the stuff that art shows?! I don’t want to make out and roll around half-naked! GYAH! Craig! Can we stop being homosexual and be asexual instead?!” Craig gives up on trying to keep his smile to a minimum and grins.

“I don’t think that’s how it works Tweek. But if it is, I’m pretty sure most kids qualify as ace before puberty starts pumping them full of hormones.”

“Kenny isn’t.” Craig snorts.

“Yeah, well Kenny isn’t most kids. So yes, obviously sex stuff grosses us out now. The problem is we have no way to know if we’ll stay that way. It seems like almost everyone turns into horny idiots somewhere along the line.” Craig pauses as he contemplates the vague and ominous possibilities of the future. “Fuck, puberty is stupid. I’d rather face a stupid multi-assed monster any day.” Tweek’s fingers still on the keypad. It’s his turn to contemplate the vague and ominous possibilities of the future.

“Craig?”

“Yeah Tweek?”

“What happens if I’m ace and you’re not?” Craig shrugs.

“Then we cuddle and hold hands or whatever. If you want to.”

“You won’t break up with me if I never want to have sex with you?” Craig snorts. He says,

“Tweek, that is the last reason I’d break up with you.” Tweek lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He starts to smile and, finally, relax the muscles that wouldn’t un-tense.

“What’s the first reason?” he asks jokingly.

“Apparently, a superhero franchise.” Tweek snickers and turns on five different mods. Red Dead Redemption promptly crashes. Craig’s laptop fans issue a pitiful whine. “Nice.” Craig moves his laptop back his desk to give the poor machine some rest. He rejoins Tweek on the bed. Tweek reaches over to poke his cheek.

“What?” Craig asks.

“Nnng. Nothing. Boop.” He rolls his eyes.

“Hey. Tomorrow, can we go to the pet store to pick out Stripe Number Fifty-Two?”

“Sure Craig! We’ll do right by our fur-baby. We just need to try again.”

“Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow, we’ll try again.”

“Mmm. What do you want to do now?” Tweek’s question is promptly answered when Craig’s mom calls them down to dinner. The boys get up and leave the room with a star-sticker ceiling and an empty guinea pig cage.

Will Stripe Number Fifty-Two survive more than ten issues? Will Craig and Tweek’s relationship? When will Mephesto return with his menagerie of ass-enhanced horrors? As our young hero contemplates all these questions he raises one spiteful middle finger behind his back, so neither Tweek or his mother can wonder who, or what, he’s flipping off.

…Oh alright then. Understood. Nice job today kid. We’ll see you in the next issue of: Super Craig! 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m probably characterizing Tweek in this based on my personal experience. I remember being a kid who was completely grossed out by sex stuff, everyone teased me for it. I couldn’t handle other kids taking pictures of me and drawing dicks on my face, imagine how much more confusing and weird it would be if you saw smutty pictures of yourself and your boyfriend all over town. 
> 
> A Map of Tweek’s Brain:  
> TweekBrain 1: Gay shit could be kind of cute  
> TweekBrain 2: Yeah but isn’t that also kind of weird? Everyone said it was weird up until a few months ago. Everyone also only seems to care about gay shit when it has to do with sex stuff.  
> TweekBrain 3: SEX STUFF GROSSES ME OUT MAN  
> TweekBrain 2: AND ALL THE GAY SHIT I’M SEEING IS SEXUAL WTF  
> TweekBrain 1: I should chill out honestly boyfriend makes me happy that’s all I care about  
> TweekBrain 3: IDK IF I WANNA BE GAY MAN THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! IS THAT HOMOPHOBIC??? AHHHHHHHH! 
> 
> Solution: Poor kiddo just needs to see some good representation to let him know gay shit is normal he also needs the entire town to stop lewding him for the sake of his own mental health.


End file.
